Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Pointless Preview: 11/3 vs Boston Bruins

Let me start off by saying that this might be the worst of the “Pointless Previews” to date. Why? Because it’s a whole lot easier to make fun of a team that you hate. I don’t hate Boston…not yet anyway. Probably because we don’t play them enough each year, but probably because I actually respect their organ-i-zation and fans. When Chris and I traveled to Boston and NYC last year, we caught a Rangers-Bruins game at MSG, and the Boston faithful came by the busload…which I thought was really cool. Anyway, the only thing I can be really mad at the Bruins for is completely choking in last year’s ECSF and letting Carolina squeak by them only to lay down to Cindy and the girls…thanks, boys.


Category #1: Biggest Shnoz

Boston has Milan Lucic. Check out the beak on this kid. Sure he’s a tough kid and his name sounds like he’s from dirty former Soviet State (he’s Canadian), but he’s got a nose that would make Toucan Sam jealous.

Detroit has Justin Abdelkader. I’m not sure if his nose is big or if its normal sized and the rest of his facial features are just small…nor do I plan on staring at any man’s face long enough to figure something like that out.

Winner: Mila….wait, what’s this?

Winner: Chris Chelios…my god, it’s glorious!  Now there's a Greek tragedy. Opa!

Category #2: Google Search [Team Name] + fan

Boston has this little tyke. I believe I saw this kid during one of the play-offs games of Boston I watched. Cute? Yes, but the problem is, this kid will probably end up taking himself too seriously and doing this his entire life (and not much else).

Detroit has Kid Motherf***ing Rock. Bawitaba.

Winner: Detroit (sorry, kid.)

Category #3: Best Use of a Faulty Pituitary Gland

Boston has Zdeno Chara. When not playing hockey, the six foot nine, 255 pounder enjoys pillaging villages in his native Slovakia and eating livestock in one gulp.  Chara is a consumate " always a bridesmaid, but never the bride" in the Norris Trophy  race (aka the Lidstrom Trophy). Perhaps you saw him opposite Ewan McGregor in the delightful film, Big Fish? Like Ted Danson said in that one episode of family guy, “Sometimes it pays to be a freak”.

Detroit has Jonny Ericsson. At 6’5, the Big Rig is still looking up into Chara’s nostrils when standing flat-footed. Luckily, he doesn’t have that whole…gigantism look.  I once saw him being followed out of Joe Louis Arena by 4 absolutely beautiful young ladies...how 'bout you, Chara?

Winner: Boston


Category #4: Most Fashionable Hairdo

Boston has Marc Savard. A faux hawk for warm-ups eh, Marc? Taking a play from the “how to be a metro-loser” book written (and illustrated) by Washington’s Mike Green. Next time, you should just leave the bucket on. Savard probably would win the “Most Likely to have his Wife/Girlfriend find him trying on her shoes” category. Underappreciated? Yes. Underrated? Yes. But now we know why…it’s the hair.


Detroit has Valtteri Filppula. This really was a no-brainer for Wings fans. Zetterberg has had some sick flow in years past, but Emma probably convinced him to keep it a little closer to the wood. Emma could probably be persuasive enough to talk any man (and some women) into doing just about anything. But anyway, Val’s golden locks are the stuff of legend among Wings fans of the female persuasion. Never mind the dark eyebrows. If my girlfriend sees him wearing this argyle scarf, it’s probably all over for me.

Winner: Detroit…not even close

Prediction: Trying to keep in line with yesterday’s post about breaking other team’s scoring slumps…I’m guessing Detroit takes this one in wild fashion, outlasting the B’s 6-5.

10 comments:

  1. Jimmy Howard would also be a front-runner in the nose category for both size and color. Don't expect Jimmah to play too many games for the Wings in late December as it turns out he also blacks backup for Rudolph.

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  2. ...

    I have no idea how I typed blacks instead of plays.

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  3. Um...JJ...what the hell? I'd love to see your browser history right before you came to NOHS. Actually no, strike that...I wouldn't. It probably involves Danny Heatley and the number 70.

    "6-5 in a wild fashion..."

    I don't like it...at all. In fact I'm scared, like a little girl. Sounds like a heartburn special.

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  4. Savard is probably my favorite non-Wings player in the league, but that faux hawk does bring up some questions. He still can thread a pass better than anyone in the league (I says).

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  5. Uhh... I was referring to the part of the claymation movie where Rudolph covers his nose with soot to try to fit in.

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  6. I have no idea how I typed blacks instead of plays.

    simply "lol" won't suffice -- laughter came out of my asshole on that one.

    - Tyler

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  7. haha, JJ how the hell does that even happen???

    Should be a good one tonight!

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  8. Chris in Hockey HellNovember 3, 2009 at 5:20 PM

    "If my girlfriend sees him wearing this argyle scarf, it’s probably all over for me."

    Hell, we're all screwed if our women see that shit. Val needs to closet that thing a.s.a.f.p. for the good of all mankind.

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