Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tonight's Hitlerless Pointless Preview

Due to claims from NOHS' first troll (that's how you know you made it to the big time, when people spend time to let you know that they don't care what you think, on the blog where you write out your thoughts on a subject) that in the last Pointless Preview, our arrogance, cockiness, and willingness to give an award to Hitler caused Tuesday's debacle of a hockey game. So, as a writer who will take his readers into account (all 2 of you), today's account will be much more balanced and understanding and will contain absolutely no references to Hitler.

Lets get to a few categories.

Last name perfectly suited for a goalie:

Detroit - Detroit currently has Osgood in net, which is pretty cool, but mostly it just gives idiots a chance to call him Osbad, which says two things....that 1) they have passed the elementary skills of finding an opposite with flying colors and 2) sometimes I have to agree with them. However, out of nowhere, Detroit can pull out a trump card of Norm Miracle. Because seriously, with a last name like that, this guy needs to pull of something incredible during his lifetime, like walking on water, curing Polio (or wait, has that been cured already? Ok, how about this...let's go with AIDS, I'm pretty sure that's still an issue), and finally be a Wings goaltender who isn't consistently mocked and attacked by the media. But alas, he let Jesus down and has clearly lived at McDonalds since his one year of actually getting any ice time with the Wings during the "Clinton getting his knob slobbed" era. And wow, holy shit, he is fat. Like... obese fat nowadays, right outta that commercial that the only thing I remember about it was there was a fat goalie.

LA - Wouldn't it be funny if Johnathon Quick looked like Miracle and was slow as hell? But what a perfect last name for a stupid goalie.

The place looks packed.

Winner - Gotta give it to Quick. What a last name. Unless he's slow, and I've only seen him play once, and it was LA, so I can't remember a thing about it, so maybe he is.

Player who looks most like a serial killer:

Detroit - I love the kid, but most pictures of him just look like something is off with in I want to hide little children in the basement sort of thing. Which, as long as I don't know it and he scores 30 goals, is fine with me.

LA - Damn, this is too easy. They have like a dozen. I was first thinking Ryan Smyth.

ryan smyth headshot Pictures, Images and Photos

It looks like he just took the stand to apologize to the families of his victims here, hoping for a lighter sentence. In actuality, he had just apologized to Edmonton for being a greedy bastard. There I remembered Anze Kopitar, who looks like some sort of weird soviet zombie terrorist in a bad Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

But being the hard nosed investigated reporter (googling shit in class) that I am, I found this beauty. May I present to you, Bill Ranford, Kings goaltending coach, and former member of the Wings for approximately ten seconds.

Now at first look, it doesn't seem so bad...but you kinda notice something wrong. Like after all this time of getting shit shot at him, something has broken on the inside, and now he's liable to shoot up the locker room at any second. It's now obvious why the Wings let him go over only 1/2 a season back in 1999. The Wings can deal with bat-shit crazy, they've had Hasek on the team twice now. But Ranford looks the kind of crazy where he's the quiet guy in the basement, keeps to himself usually, but you do a little more research and you find the guy has murdered his parents and eaten them, keeps his sister locked in his closet downstairs, and owns a once thriving ice cream truck business whos clientele is slowly disappearing. The Wings don't deal well with that sort of crazy. (Bill, if you are reading this, I'm just kidding. Please don't hurt me.)

Winner - Kings, running away.

Prediction - Wings win 8-1, Howard has a shutout until Lebda turns and shoots the puck past Howard, does a double fist pump and claims that "he's got his scoring touch back" and sits down on the bench waiting for congratulations from his adoring fans, which of course, never comes. 12 hours later, Lebda will be found dead, dragged into an ally with a gunshot wound to the head. Questioned it about it later by the police, Lidstrom remarked that he knew nothing of it and that in fact, he had never heard of this Lebda character and that if the police knew what was good for them, it wouldn't be mentioned again. The police quickly drop the matter.

I hope that's arrogant enough for you.

Being tired makes me crazy. It also makes me not spell check things.



  1. I bet Miracle has Applebees (cough ribs cough) as his #1 on speed dial. Marty Brodeur is #2.

  2. I thought Ozzie was starting tonight...

    Solid post anyway, and about damn time.

  3. Maybe, I won't let facts seep their way into the preview.

  4. Too many things here that made me laugh--just don't have the room to quote everything. Thanks for this.

  5. His name is Norm Maracle.

  6. Agree to disagree.

  7. at what? I thought that notatroll had a great Fight Club reference.